My last post was all but shining a massive spot light on fatherhood - Dallin, in particular - and deep down it was all in preparation for me to unveil a scary truth about myself.
I'm unsure why it's so much easier to bloggity blog but for some reason, the typed word feels so much safer than trying to spill my guts to friends or family on the phone or in person. Maybe it's because I can get all my thoughts out in a steady stream of sense; instead of the incomprehensible sewage that sometimes spews out of my mouth in attempts to get my point across verbally... Ahh... To have a verbal delete button....if only... Or perhaps it's because I can read the comments - good or bad - from the security of my home and click the ol' DELETE button if it contains any jabbing, hurtful replies. I wish we could do that in real life... When someone begins to say something insensitive or narrow minded or just plain stupid - we could just - nope - DELETE. Smack their forehead, V8 slap style. Alas... 'Tis not to be...
I digress.
Here's the thing.
On the eve of Mother's Day, (timing, anyone?) I am posting on my struggle with motherhood.
DON'T get me wrong. I love my kids. I love my family. More than anything. Also, please keep in mind this is coming from a place where the past two weeks have been hellish for poor Remington - sick with stomach flu, ear infection, raging fever and on his second bout of antibiotics - and as a result I have had the neediest imp of a baby clung to me, koala bear style, for two weeks. I'm NOT saying my love for him has a limit but... I am EXHAUSTED.
He was eating dirt today at the dog park today... And I KNEW I should be a good mom and make him stop and endure his whining and distract his attention on something else and calm him and soothe him and give him a toy and be a good parent and I DID - I'd like to put strong emphasis that I DIDN'T LET MY SON EAT DIRT - for too long. But I had a moment where I looked at him and thought, "Oh gee, he's doing this now? Seriously. Gross.. but....eh. He's not crying....I'll take it." And I just enjoyed the few minutes of peace. I DID, OKAY? I JUST ENJOYED THE PEACEFUL MOMENT WHILE MY SON ATE DIRT NO DOUBT LACED WITH DOG POOP SO JUST GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME, YOU, OUT THERE, SITTING BEHIND YOUR COMPUTER, OKAY???!!
I just am reaching a point where I don't want to mom anymore. Just for a bit. A day. Maybe two. That's it! I love my kids but can someone take over for a bit? And that is another reason why I'm so grateful for Dallin and being in a partnership - I CAN do that now and it is wonderful. I'm sure many mothers out there have felt the same. PLEASE tell me you've felt the same. What do you do? How do you deal with it?
To date, I've tried:
Bottling it up.
Screaming into a pillow.
Locking myself in the bathroom with the fan on to drown out the knocking and whining.
Smiling like a crazy person to force myself into believing I LOVE THIS SO BAD.
Reading inspiring stories from other families.
Keeping busy with project after project after project.
Running for the hills when Dallin comes home. "Hi honey, I'm so glad you're home oh look we're out of milk and eggs and uh, kidney beans and we really need them so I'm just going to run to the store -NO! -No! I'll go. It's ok. Seriously I'LL GO."
I watched a well intentioned viral video about motherhood where a mom is shown sitting on the couch with her head in her hands, crying, exhausted, and her youngest son comes up to her, hands her a piece of paper with a drawing of 'Mommy and Me' on it. D'awwwwww, right? Um. No. I'm such a terrible person I literally though, "Uh... NO! You stupid kid! That is just a stupid piece of paper - it's nothing - it's garbage - how is that going to help her? DO something useful for her don't just hand her a bloody piece of paper with some crayon on it and act like that is going to wipe everything away for ever and suddenly her headache is gone from listening to your whining, suddenly she doesn't have raging cramps anymore, miraculously dinner is made and no kids are arguing and the house is tidied and the long list of everything else she's still got to do... No. Just no. You've given her a piece of paper and she still has to do all of that. You SELFISH KID."
I'm terrible. Right?
But the funny thing is - I've totally been in this place before. Raging, angry, psycho mom stage - stomping down halls, slamming cupboards, sobbing uncontrollably and scolding kids - and Eva has drawn me a picture and it MELTS MY HEART. Suddenly that all fades away (for the moment, at least). I'm sorry but isn't that freaking amazing?? WHY is that? It's a bloody piece of paper. In any other situation this would not work. That's why Moms are DA BOMB.
Chew on this. You've had a hellish day at work - people yelling, deadlines missed, mistakes made, boss pissy, whatever it is - you're tired, angry, drained. You manage to be amazing all day, however, but then you find out you've got to cover for your coworker and work a double shift that night. Your coworker comes up to you and gives you a sticky note that says 'Coworker and Me" on it. Drawn with crayon. D'awwwww.... You're not mad anymore. You're not tired anymore. In fact, you give your coworker a great big hug and kiss, with tears in your eyes, and suddenly feel on cloud 9... Life couldn't be better. NOT.
Someone rams into your car. Gives you a colouring page. All better.
Someone throws up on your shoes. Writes ' I Luv Yu' on a piece of paper. Okey dokey!
A friend wakes you up in the middle of the night every 2 hours. Smiles once and farts. A www....!
You spend hours making a healthy meal for your partner, he throws it on the ground. Says ma ma. Heart melted.
You clean a room top to bottom and then your friend pukes, poops or ejects some other slimy type substance all over your couch and clothes right before you have to go to work/are late for an appointment. Says oops. No worries!
You have a date planned with your friends, your coworker gets a fever and you have to cancel. Falls asleep in your arms and refuses to be be put down anywhere, making your arm fall asleep and you get all of a few hours of restless sleep. Snores. while drooling with his smooshy, drooly face on your chest. So precious, amirite??
What is it that Moms are hard wired with that makes us deal with all this crap and be filled up with the tiniest of gestures? If I was constantly taken advantage of at work and my coworkers got together and to show their appreciate gave me a colored picture of us holding hands as stick figures and why is my hair green and my butt looks massive and why do I have wrinkles on my eyes and surely my boobs are THAT big and is this bloody thing drawn to scale?? I would be all Nah. Just. Nah. In any other scenario of someone caring for anothers' needs and being taken for granted and used for years and years, there would be no doubt in mind that person should be dumped by the wayside and left behind. But with our children, it is ALL we need to carry us through the next week of frustration and anxiety and exhaustion. Whatever it is - it is beautiful. Not to mention necessary. When you become a mother, suddenly you are not the centre of your own universe anymore. That position is unceremoniously taken by your children. And yet, Moms everywhere do it, the work of twenty, for free.
Each and every day Moms selflessly put themselves last after a very long list of people and tasks. And we simultaneously LOVE and HATE it. What an amazing contradiction. How beautiful. Being a mother has made me realize all that my own mother has done, and still does, for me. I don't tell her enough how grateful I am and although I have graduated from crayon colored pictures of her and I holding hands - the ways in which I show her my gratitude are sincerely lacking when you compare them to all she does.
I still don't know how to adequately show that appreciation I have for her. I know it can't be bought. Words always seem to fall short. Yet they are the best I have.
So, from one mother to another - and to mine especially - this is my crayon coloured picture:
Mama: you are always my #1 person to call whenever I need anything...from everything to how to boil water to help with Grandma Secretan's recipes when I've got company coming over to worries about my kids health to needing a pick me up, vent or good laugh. You have been behind me through every stage in my life, even the ones where I'm sure I left you shaking your head with anger and tears at my stupidity. You and Papa have shown me true unconditional love. I have learned through your example to be a mother, friend, housewife. From my early years asking you the definition of countless words and stealing your and Aunt Linda's books... To listening to you laugh at Papas ridiculous jokes and showing me what a true loving relationship should look like...you've always been a constant in my life. Ho Lee Chit I love you!
To my oldest sister Meg: who taught me the value of 'Ehh! They're fine!' parenting and how to make any space that you have beautiful and warm and who makes me feel like an equal even though she has so much more knowledge and experience than I- I love being your sister. I love how we pick up as if no time has passed even though it has and how we act like best buds even despite the years that seperate us. I am grateful for all the times you have shown unconditional love- both to me, when you've loved your crummy sister even when I didnt deserve it, and to your own husband, kids and friends.
To Dori: even though I stole all your clothes and wrote mean things in my school journal about you, I have always looked up to you. You are strong and defiant when everyone these days are becoming sheeple. You have taught me to carve my own path and be confident in myself. I am so lucky to have you to call for advice and ANY time of day I need it, no matter what you are going through, you are always there. Your hubby and you have opened your home and hearts to me during the mosr difficult times of my life and I will always be grateful.
To my sister in law Jess: You have always been strong and independent in my eyes, capable of doing whatever your mind is set to. Regardless of your own perception of yourself, I have always looked up to you for your strength (from becoming a convert to an unknown church at such a young age and the courage and faith that must have required, to dealing with being married to my cuckoo big brother!) You are natural mother and one whom I've learned much from watching you your parent my sweet neice and nephews. Thank you for allowing my family to be involved with yours even though our beliefs differ. You are proof that different people with different opinions can share love and respect. Thank you!
MOMS. YOU ARE AMAZING. EVERYTHING YOU DO, HAVE DONE AND WILL DO, IS GOOD ENOUGH. In fact, it's better than good enough. Don't let anyone- not other moms, other non-moms, and least of all not Pinterest or FB or any other stupid viral site make you feel you should be doing more than you are already doing - the BEST thing you can do, day in and day out - Loving your kids unconditionally (even when they don't deserve it).
I'm terrible. Right?
But the funny thing is - I've totally been in this place before. Raging, angry, psycho mom stage - stomping down halls, slamming cupboards, sobbing uncontrollably and scolding kids - and Eva has drawn me a picture and it MELTS MY HEART. Suddenly that all fades away (for the moment, at least). I'm sorry but isn't that freaking amazing?? WHY is that? It's a bloody piece of paper. In any other situation this would not work. That's why Moms are DA BOMB.
Chew on this. You've had a hellish day at work - people yelling, deadlines missed, mistakes made, boss pissy, whatever it is - you're tired, angry, drained. You manage to be amazing all day, however, but then you find out you've got to cover for your coworker and work a double shift that night. Your coworker comes up to you and gives you a sticky note that says 'Coworker and Me" on it. Drawn with crayon. D'awwwww.... You're not mad anymore. You're not tired anymore. In fact, you give your coworker a great big hug and kiss, with tears in your eyes, and suddenly feel on cloud 9... Life couldn't be better. NOT.
Someone rams into your car. Gives you a colouring page. All better.
Someone throws up on your shoes. Writes ' I Luv Yu' on a piece of paper. Okey dokey!
A friend wakes you up in the middle of the night every 2 hours. Smiles once and farts. A www....!
You spend hours making a healthy meal for your partner, he throws it on the ground. Says ma ma. Heart melted.
You clean a room top to bottom and then your friend pukes, poops or ejects some other slimy type substance all over your couch and clothes right before you have to go to work/are late for an appointment. Says oops. No worries!
You have a date planned with your friends, your coworker gets a fever and you have to cancel. Falls asleep in your arms and refuses to be be put down anywhere, making your arm fall asleep and you get all of a few hours of restless sleep. Snores. while drooling with his smooshy, drooly face on your chest. So precious, amirite??
What is it that Moms are hard wired with that makes us deal with all this crap and be filled up with the tiniest of gestures? If I was constantly taken advantage of at work and my coworkers got together and to show their appreciate gave me a colored picture of us holding hands as stick figures and why is my hair green and my butt looks massive and why do I have wrinkles on my eyes and surely my boobs are THAT big and is this bloody thing drawn to scale?? I would be all Nah. Just. Nah. In any other scenario of someone caring for anothers' needs and being taken for granted and used for years and years, there would be no doubt in mind that person should be dumped by the wayside and left behind. But with our children, it is ALL we need to carry us through the next week of frustration and anxiety and exhaustion. Whatever it is - it is beautiful. Not to mention necessary. When you become a mother, suddenly you are not the centre of your own universe anymore. That position is unceremoniously taken by your children. And yet, Moms everywhere do it, the work of twenty, for free.
Each and every day Moms selflessly put themselves last after a very long list of people and tasks. And we simultaneously LOVE and HATE it. What an amazing contradiction. How beautiful. Being a mother has made me realize all that my own mother has done, and still does, for me. I don't tell her enough how grateful I am and although I have graduated from crayon colored pictures of her and I holding hands - the ways in which I show her my gratitude are sincerely lacking when you compare them to all she does.
I still don't know how to adequately show that appreciation I have for her. I know it can't be bought. Words always seem to fall short. Yet they are the best I have.
So, from one mother to another - and to mine especially - this is my crayon coloured picture:
Mama: you are always my #1 person to call whenever I need anything...from everything to how to boil water to help with Grandma Secretan's recipes when I've got company coming over to worries about my kids health to needing a pick me up, vent or good laugh. You have been behind me through every stage in my life, even the ones where I'm sure I left you shaking your head with anger and tears at my stupidity. You and Papa have shown me true unconditional love. I have learned through your example to be a mother, friend, housewife. From my early years asking you the definition of countless words and stealing your and Aunt Linda's books... To listening to you laugh at Papas ridiculous jokes and showing me what a true loving relationship should look like...you've always been a constant in my life. Ho Lee Chit I love you!
To my oldest sister Meg: who taught me the value of 'Ehh! They're fine!' parenting and how to make any space that you have beautiful and warm and who makes me feel like an equal even though she has so much more knowledge and experience than I- I love being your sister. I love how we pick up as if no time has passed even though it has and how we act like best buds even despite the years that seperate us. I am grateful for all the times you have shown unconditional love- both to me, when you've loved your crummy sister even when I didnt deserve it, and to your own husband, kids and friends.
To Dori: even though I stole all your clothes and wrote mean things in my school journal about you, I have always looked up to you. You are strong and defiant when everyone these days are becoming sheeple. You have taught me to carve my own path and be confident in myself. I am so lucky to have you to call for advice and ANY time of day I need it, no matter what you are going through, you are always there. Your hubby and you have opened your home and hearts to me during the mosr difficult times of my life and I will always be grateful.
To my sister in law Jess: You have always been strong and independent in my eyes, capable of doing whatever your mind is set to. Regardless of your own perception of yourself, I have always looked up to you for your strength (from becoming a convert to an unknown church at such a young age and the courage and faith that must have required, to dealing with being married to my cuckoo big brother!) You are natural mother and one whom I've learned much from watching you your parent my sweet neice and nephews. Thank you for allowing my family to be involved with yours even though our beliefs differ. You are proof that different people with different opinions can share love and respect. Thank you!
MOMS. YOU ARE AMAZING. EVERYTHING YOU DO, HAVE DONE AND WILL DO, IS GOOD ENOUGH. In fact, it's better than good enough. Don't let anyone- not other moms, other non-moms, and least of all not Pinterest or FB or any other stupid viral site make you feel you should be doing more than you are already doing - the BEST thing you can do, day in and day out - Loving your kids unconditionally (even when they don't deserve it).
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