Words

I haven't been able to put anything down in words lately that would be share-appropriate.

Despite the large elephant in the room, I am making a conscious decision to not dwell on the drastic change going on in my life right now, nor the circumstances and reasons behind it. Call it a form of denial... call it not being ready... call it what you may. It's all just... words.

But words have power. At least, in my life they always have.

I was challenged to try and harness the power of those words. Use them for good. Positivity. Self acceptance. Etc. Etc. Words. Words.

So, here goes.

I was challenged to once a day write a nice note to me, from me. That hasn't been easy. I am cheating a little and in order to get me 'warmed up' so to speak, I am going to write a nice note to someone who I feel deserves it. Then, maybe a little side note to this woman Nicole who, frankly, is kindof a mess.

It's very easy to be sympathetic towards others and frustrated at ourselves. I guess the hope is that by sharing kind words about other people and forcing myself to say kind words about myself, perhaps I'll start to believe them and be kinder to myself. Permeation, anyone?

So, here goes.

Dear Kristi,

I know. Surprise, right? I know I can be a terrible friend - not calling you back, not answering your calls, not texting you, not being reliable - that's a lot of nots. But on the list of people that I need to say kind things to, you're top of the list.
I am truly grateful for the unconditional love and support you've given me over the years. You've been with me through all of my (sadly) continuous and cyclical relationships - meet new guy, fall for said new guy, relationship with new guy, problems with new guy, staying with new guy regardless of problems even when normal person would have packed up and left, and the inevitable break up with new guy. I sure can pick 'em, can't I?
You're the most devoted friend I have and the most loyal person I know.
You've come so far in life. I'm so proud of you in how you truly are being the best mother you can be to your beautiful kids. You're giving them so much that you (arguably) never had. They will thank you for that and it is noticed by people around you. I don't say it enough. You've been an example to me for casting off toxic people, even IF they happen to be 'stuck' to you by being family.
You're a courageous, strong, kind, selfless, tell-it-like-it-is kindof woman.
Thank you for sticking by me and seeing the good friend in me even when I can't see it.

Love you long time, lady.
Love,
Nicole.


.... crickets are chirping. This is really hard. I kept typing dumbass beginnings to a letter of kindness to myself.... like some of the following:

"Dear Nicole, you have nice eyes...."
"Dear Nicole, your legs are both in working order..."
"Dear Nicole, your children are fantastic!"
"Dear Nicole, your dedication in having a yearly break down in astounding..."
"Dear Nicole, good job on picking, yet again, the worst possible candidates for marriage."

They all start out with good intentions but all end in the usual self deprecating text.

However, with most things, Eva has helped me out. She daily gives me a lens to view myself in a positive way. The other night, in her innocent and beautiful way, she thanked me for 'keeping the house from falling into a frenzy' (yep, verbatim) despite everything I had going on in life. She is so kind. I can do this for her.

So, here goes.

Dear Nicole,

Some may call it stubbornness, but I appreciate your tenacity in trying to stay put and build your own home for your children. They will/do thank you for that. That, despite being in tumult once again, you are trying to keep a sense of normalcy to your childrens' lives. Breakfast. School. Daycare. Play dates. Bike rides. Home dinners. Shows on Mama's bed. Messy bathtime. Snuggles and storytime. Their own beds. Their own safe haven. A place to call theirs.
Good job. Keep doing that.

Cheers,
Nicole.